Sorry for Disappearing... Things At Fox Hill Are Rough.

I'd been doing so good too, making sure to have things in the queue to post even when I was gone for a month last July. Part of it was that I just wasn't buying make-up so I didn't have anything for Make-Up Monday and then Anime Matsuri was suddenly less than a month away and I was still behind on a lot of cosplay stuff I needed for that. I figured after AMat I could play catch up, after all I would have a kimono post to put up (I had a really cute kitsuke for Friday of AMat) and maybe a costume post too. I got back from AMat to an apartment I hadn't had the time to clean before leaving and I was utterly exhausted for a full week after. And I forgot to take pictures of ANY of my coords at the convention. I had a great time but I was exhausted. Then I had hardcore mouth pain and I realized with terror that one of my wisdom teeth had decided to come in. It seemed to be coming in straight but I still figured a trip to the dentist was warranted.

The wisdom teeth have to come out. I also have 10 cavities (4 are really early).

I have my first of three appointments to start filling them this Thursday. We're doing the three wost first, all of which are on the upper left side which is also where my most problematic wisdom tooth is. I'm grateful part of my benefits include dental insurance but even so it was $60 just to get my mouth inspected and cleaned. If all goes as planned then I'll be out about $800 once we have the cavities done so the wisdom teeth will have to wait until next year. The top two HAVE to come out since apparently they've got cavities too and the right one is only partially erupted so at serious risk for rotting in my face. The bottom two are leaning against the roots of their neighbor teeth (as they always have) so Dentist-sensei says they will likely cause problems down the line (like slowly killing the roots of those teeth so the teeth will die... peachy) and if I'm already getting the tops out I should just get it all done in one go. Considering he had to refer me to an oral surgeon if I get the bottoms taken care of I figure this must be legit since he could've done the tops (and gotten paid for that).

So, what does this mean for the blog?

Well my discretionary income has just tanked so Make-Up Monday will now be bi-weekly and even then maybe not regular (I have... four reviews to write I think and only will probably buy a new face wash in the coming months since I'm almost out).

I still have my lolita and kimono so I'm going to try and keep up and have something up every Thursday. I also have a serious backlog of lolita projects so maybe you'll see some of that too.

At AMat a friend convinced me to cosplay EDI (from Mass Effect 3) despite never having played the game so I'm working on that right now in addition to painting a special kimono for the Red Bull Grand Prix at CotA. Expect progress updates on those next week.

I may be mostly gone for May. I was asked to completely reorganize a church's music library including making a database for it and they'd like me to do it in May. This will be in addition to my normal full time job so I won't have much free time leading up to A-Kon.

All in all I'm not doing so great, mostly I'm terrified about this mouth that has betrayed me. Cavities I've learned to deal with. I've even had to get my mouth numbed to have one filled before. I'm not looking forward to getting them filled but I've got my Big Girl Pants on and even though I want to cry I know I can force myself to be brave and just grip the arm rest and try and think of other things until it is over. The surgery is worse. I have a phobia of surgery. It's why I didn't get my wisdom teeth taken out sooner (was hoping they'd just chill in there and not do anything). It's why I didn't have my elbow reconstructed when I broke it (it was 50/50 whether surgery would be beneficial, I'd likely have lost more range of motion due to immobilizing it so it could heal but it would be held together with more than scar tissue). Now they're going to surgery my face. I'm petrified.

The worst part is that I have to be the one to force myself to do this. I know I need to do this. I have to do this. Before I could be weak and my mom would be the strong one. She'd schedule my appointments and drive me there and then the rest of the day I could be pitiful on the couch. Now I have to find the dentist/doctor, make the appointment, fill out all the forms and pay the bill. I have to drive myself to and from and while I'll still be laying on the couch being pitiful no one will be there to take care of me (and I've got work a few hours after my first set of fillings).

The scariest part (after the abject terror that is thinking of my face being flayed open to retrieve the teeth) is thinking about the after care. Maybe that's the saddest part really. I'm going to have to get some sort of substantial anesthesia for the wisdom teeth so I'll have to have someone drive me to and from and then if I'm anything like my brother I'll be laid up for close to a week. And I don't have family any more so who am I supposed to impose upon? My best friend is several states over and the people I feel most comfortable asking after that are on the other side of the state. I have one set of local friends but they've got lives and a kid and I know I'd be a burden. When I tweeted my frustrations a friend kind of near by offered to come over to take care of me but I don't have a guest room and I'd feel like a jerk asking him to sleep on the couch. I know I will need someone to take care of me, I've been laid low by sickness before and I'd prefer to avoid being physically unable to get out of bed without someone to help me again. I'm just realizing that the family that I have made now is almost entirely not local so when major issues occur I'm nearly completely on my own. This will be the first time where it's up to me to take care of myself even when I'm weak for a long time.

I had thought that registering my car and buying insurance for it was my big step into being an adult. That having a permanent address that wasn't my parents' and changing all the addresses and filling out all the insurance enrollment forms was the final step. That I had become An Adult. I have a retirement account. Maybe that was the marker for when I became An Adult and this will be the test to renew my Adult Card.

Either way, I realized on the drive back that this is the other side of all the fun and excitement of being able to buy alcohol and owning a car. I tried to focus on the lush green fields I was driving past, tried to focus on how pretty this rural farm land was as I drove back to my Podunk city but my mind was busy trying to hammer out the logistics of this nightmare. I could take solace in that I have savings but I'm scared because I'll have to raid maybe half of it to get the fillings done with in May. The tires on my car have racked up a lot of miles so they'll probably need to be replaced within a year or two but the wisdom tooth surgery will eat up most of my discretionary income for this winter (and maybe the remainder of my savings). I tried to think of who I could ask to care for me but it was on that drive when I realized that would likely be the biggest hurdle.

I'm trying to take comfort in the beauty of spring, for it has definitely sprung, but I'm exhausted and almost in tears because I'm scared and nervous.

I take as many walks as I can, even when I'm not visiting the botanical gardens (I had to go to the big city for my leg lasering appointment) I walk around the neighborhood and by the river. I walk to the small grocery that's nearby and bask in the warm but not hot weather and all the little patches of wildflowers. I can forget my terror for brief spans of moments. I throw myself into working on EDI or painting that MotoGP kimono. I try to ignore how bone tired I am because I don't have a reason to be so exhausted so why am I so exhausted? I bargain with myself that if I can just put up half the laundry or clean the bathtub then I'll bake something yummy as a reward but I've been having long spells where even cooking a cup of instant ramen seems like too much work and too much of a wait before hunger grumbles turn into stabbing pain. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel but finding there isn't anything left to scrape. And then something inside me asks what I'm even pushing on for anyways. I have a long road of pain and exhaustion ahead of me, why do I keep struggling on?

But I'm going to get the three worst of the cavities filled on Thursday. It's National Library Week and work has encouraged us to dress inspired by our favorite fictional characters so I'm raiding my closet for that (I'm dressed up as Dr. Layon from Zoids today!). My moon flower vines are still alive and other things are flowering.

The drills will hurt in ways no pain medication can numb (the sound, it's always been the sound and to a certain degree the pressure) but it should only be a hellish hour then on Saturday and Sunday I'll be at Circuit of the Americas surrounded by moto and flowers and on another misadventure.

The Princess of Fox Hill has been laid low and will be laid far lower but she will do her best not to give up.